I am still so stunned right now

It's so easy to tell someone to keep moving forward, and not be stuck in the past.  In reality there are times that moving forward is only great in theory.  

I knew a person who had a very optimistic view in life.  She always had a smile on her face, she quoted the Bible a lot, she loved God, she loved her family, she was loved by everyone she met because she was so awe-inspiring...

Everything was coming up roses, then kaboom...she killed herself.

She didn't keep a diary, and there was no suicide letter.

No one saw it coming.

All we could do now is guess what could have happened...

I imagine that she kept it all bottled up inside...she didn't tell a soul.  There really were no tell-tale signs.  Nothing at all.

She kept moving forward and did everything right...well, it seemed that way.

She doesn't owe any bank, and she has lots of savings, et cetera.

Thankfully, she also has a last will and testament.

Okay, I won't tell the world what the details are.  It wouldn't be fair to her and everyone she left behind.

WHAT IFs

After what happened to that person who had an appearance of being so perfect, I didn't stop myself of thinking of my What If(s)?  It's great to keep moving forward, but I'll just allow myself to think about those things TODAY.  It might not solve anything, but...

• Sigh. I'm not going to be able to do my enumeration properly, but let me not care, even for a moment.

NUMBER ONE:


What if I did not make that girl in ballet class with a jazzy set of leotard and tights cry?  Her mom thought I was the nicest and most graceful little girl in that ballet class, so she thought her daughter was in good hands.  Well, I was good to her at first.  I made her feel "at home", but when my so-called friends started to laugh at her outfit(today, no one would laugh...they would ask her where she bought it...I guess she was ahead of her time...our time).  I became embarrassed.  I didn't want to be associated with her.  She was clingy to me, but I kept pushing her to the back...I did it several times, until she could not take it anymore.  I made her run away. She quit ballet.

I quit ballet too.

She's the reason why I wrote THE NEXT STEP.  The shelved screenplay  had lots of scenes about ballet, but the short story version, well, let's just say I removed a lot of scenes.  It's a short story anyway.  Besides, I thought Cleo and Frank's love story was more interesting to READ.  Well, I don't know.  

I don't know what happened to her, but I know she's the reason why I stopped dancing ballet.  I took up jazz years later.  I also went ballroom dancing with my folks, and because of that I was almost always with older people when I was young.  

That incident really changed me.

I had my just deserts.  You can call it Karma if you want.  Honestly, I haven't forgiven myself for that incident.  It has been decades.  Once in a while I pray for that "little girl" who is probably in her forties now.  Does she have a family?  Do we bump into each other?  I really wouldn't know.  I just hope and pray she is doing great.

NUMBER TWO:

What if I didn't make friends with a certain girl in elementary who is an estranged daughter of one of the notable movie directors in some part of the world?   No explanation.  Too private, but I think life would have been better if I didn't let her in my life.

I actually have tons of what ifs, but I'm stopping myself now.

I'm crying buckets right now.

Good thing I didn't go to where I am supposed to go or I might've fainted.

Gotta go and regroup. 

Let's pray for all people who did the same.

Thanks for your time.