More inner ramblings

"Because here's something that's weird but true: we don't actually know what a positive or negative experience is.  Some of the most difficult and stressful moments of our lives also end up being the most formative and motivating. Some of the best and most gratifying experiences of our lives are also the most distracting and demotivating.  Don't trust your conception of positive/negative experiences.  All the we know for certain is what hurts in the moment and what doesn't.  And that's not worth much."-Mark Manson, bottom part of page 119, THE SUBTLE ART OF NOT GIVING A F*CK

There were two times I almost died last week: Last Wednesday, June 6, in the City of Makati, due to a stressful event that led to emotional asthma, and last Saturday afternoon, asthma due to pollen plus the shedding of Tumbler(the stray cat that adopted us) and her gang.  There were no flowers around except that of our mango tree, but it was quite windy so when I closed the gate for my scholar who visited us during her birthday that I was able to inhale some of the flowers from the mango tree, and some of the fur of the cats went to my face.

It was hard battling my asthma without worrying my parents so I battled with my asthma alone...well, not exactly.  I prayed and I cried.  In my heart I believed I was battling it with the angels, Saints, saints and the spirits around who haven't crossed over. It was also hard muffling the tears.  I surrendered to the Holy Will.   

My parents probably wondered why I didn't exert much effort in attending choir activities.  It showed on their faces, but they did not ask.  Maybe they assumed it was because of the weather.  They were quite relieved I was staying with them.  Dad just arrived from two meetings and it was he whom I did not want to worry the most.  

It's not that I don't love my mother, because I do, but dad gave us several scares these past few months, so when Tito Roy(Golez) died, I really felt the loss of his family.  Besides that, I lost a dear friend too.  I will really miss our exchanges.  He is one of the few people who call me Larissa. 

I don't know if you are wondering about what happened last Wednesday, but I am sorry.  I cannot share to you what happened that brought my stress levels to one of the highest.  It was hard because we were waiting for our vehicle to exit the Steel Parking area of Rustan's, and we were in front of Mercury Drug then.  To fight it I shouted at our driver who made a mistake of going around when we already went out to save time.  The following day he told me he might leave our family soon.  I said, "That's fine, but if ever you do, please do reflect and think of the good times." (I said it with a mixture of English, Tagalog and a bit of Hiligaynon) He replied, "Yes, ma'am."  Well, he's still here, but I really would understand if he finally leaves us.  Hopefully it's not because of a panic attack.  In other words, hopefully it's due a career advancement...greener pastures...Hopefully it's NOT because of me.

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St. Padre Pio, please intercede for us.  It's hard not to worry.  It's hard not to give a f*ck.  My goodness. I can't believe that the supplication for intercession and not giving a f*ck are in one paragraph, but that's the truth.  I know I should pray, hope and shouldn't worry. I know I shouldn't care.  I still do.  I know things in theory.  Sigh.

Dad said it's because mom and I have no middle ground.  We're either nice or not.  Thankfully, my closest friends don't agree.  I do have a middle ground(sometimes it's dad who says I have a middle ground...which is which?).

I am a work in progress.

Just to reiterate and remind myself more

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