The Sound of Silence (not the song)

A lot of people might be wondering why I haven't gone back(well, I did visit them in Bicol, but it was a short visit and I did see the other nuns at PCJ when my parents and I visited Fr. Boyet during my birthday, but...) to serving our deaf brethren.  I love them with all my heart, but I would feel like a hypocrite if I would serve them while I get so frustrated with my own mother.  My mom, whom I love so dearly, often makes me cry and makes me so mean.

When I become mean, she calls me "the devil" or its advocate.  Gosh.

Sigh.

An advice a friend gave me was learn to be calm instead of bursting(regarding a different situation).  I appreciate her advice.  I really do, but as I recounted what happened...ah never mind.  Let bygones be bygones.  It's really not up to me anymore.  I already made the first step. It was supposed to be a short hiatus, but it's taking longer because of one reason or another. Honestly, there's more to it than meets the eye.  Besides the "original" reason(I've dealt with it already a long time ago after careful thought and prayers), I heard someone's more comfortable and happy lately, so would I take the joy away?  I just find it unfair to my other friend(and company) and to myself because of the seemingly shallow reason, so I will be back in God's time.   Peace on earth.

Speaking of bursting(I forgot to take the advice of that friend I opened up to about that other situation), I did burst this morning.  I was not calm at all.   I shouted at the top of my lungs. Mom called me "the devil" again.  It was a communication gap and that's not supposed to happen between people who love each other, but it does happen to us...lots of times(no, I would not share what the topic was---that's private).  It was four in the morning.  I don't know if there were joggers, but... thankfully it is more peaceful now.  

Another sigh...

So my brothers and sisters who are involved in the deaf ministry, that is the reason why I am not around.  I love you all.  I have an aunt on my father's mother's side who is deaf that I love so much...then there are others(I won't mention exactly who they are or I might be bald this afternoon) who are related to me who are at the very least, wearing hearing aids...I wrote mom a letter.  Hopefully she would agree that audiologists should check her ears.  Even if the EENT did not see any damage in the ear(no, I am not insulting EENTs...I trust them---it's just that there's more to deafness and being hard of hearing than just looking at the ears), there might be other factors.  Probably it's not even psychological.

Sigh.

That's also why I kind of understood where Ueno Naoka was coming from when I saw how frustrated she was with Nishimiya Shoko.

My mom is a good person.  She is very loving.  I don't want to be in her world, but I want to understand her more.

When I totally understand her or if she gets convinced to undergo audiometry tests(is this being redundant?), then probably that's when I would volunteer again to serve our deaf brethren.

(source)

Note:  Now that I have got this off my chest, maybe, just maybe, I could blog about the things I've learned the past few days.  I'll just try to gather my notes first.